Can you help me remember how to smile?

I'm counting yesterday as the first official day of Spring. I was able to walk without a jacket for an hour and a half without getting cold. AP and I went to Dairy Queen and as I sit here writing my front door is wide open bringing in fresh air and sunlight. More important than that I am also coming out of hibernation.
I've had tunnel vision for such a long time. Monday night I got a nice wake up call and by wake up call I mean pretty much a slap in the face. Have you ever had a moment where you realize you've become someone you barely recognize. "You are what you love and not what loves you back." Sad quote, but poignant. I agree with this quote, but I also would like to add to it. Sometimes you change what you love so that what you love the most will love you back. I have completely lost who I am by spending a large majority of my life trying to make people, fate, and God love me back. January 13th, 2002 broke my heart, Jan 29th, 2007 froze it, and February 24th, 2008 shattered it.
In a last ditch effort to save the pieces I ran away to Minneapolis. That didn't help. Then I ran back to Superior. That didn't help. Then I found a beautiful distraction, but I have come to find that maybe that is all it was. Without it I don't think I would have been able to get through the last few months. I secretly hope I am wrong and it wasn't just a mirage. However, I believe I am finally at a place where I can let go and survive on my own if that is what it has to be.
So who am I? What do I need? What do I love? What loves me back?

• I love reading magazine backwards.


• I like leaving my door open and sitting on my porch smoking cigars and drinking wine.


• I absolutely love mock trial and law.


• I love my best friends.


• I'm afraid I have too much baggage at 23.


• My favorite feeling is when the lights go down before a show.


• My favorite smell is that of a musty theatre.


• I get sad when I think that my little sister is getting too big to cuddle with anymore.


• I clean when I am upset.


• I easily can turn vicious and vindictive, but I always regret it.


• I refuse to believe in Thomas Hobbs's theories of people.


• I talk too much when I'm uncomfortable.


• I make alterations on everything I order.


• I am much better at taking care of other people than myself.


• I like to argue.


• I have lost the ability to cry.


• I spent 18 years as a protector, and 1 year feeling as though I have failed in that respect.


• I am afraid of what standing on my own two feet will bring.

I love reading, writing, being outside, being with friends, deep conversations, law, movies, wine, walking, and becoming a better version of myself. I need to find my way back to that girl again.