Can you help me remember how to smile?

I'm counting yesterday as the first official day of Spring. I was able to walk without a jacket for an hour and a half without getting cold. AP and I went to Dairy Queen and as I sit here writing my front door is wide open bringing in fresh air and sunlight. More important than that I am also coming out of hibernation.
I've had tunnel vision for such a long time. Monday night I got a nice wake up call and by wake up call I mean pretty much a slap in the face. Have you ever had a moment where you realize you've become someone you barely recognize. "You are what you love and not what loves you back." Sad quote, but poignant. I agree with this quote, but I also would like to add to it. Sometimes you change what you love so that what you love the most will love you back. I have completely lost who I am by spending a large majority of my life trying to make people, fate, and God love me back. January 13th, 2002 broke my heart, Jan 29th, 2007 froze it, and February 24th, 2008 shattered it.
In a last ditch effort to save the pieces I ran away to Minneapolis. That didn't help. Then I ran back to Superior. That didn't help. Then I found a beautiful distraction, but I have come to find that maybe that is all it was. Without it I don't think I would have been able to get through the last few months. I secretly hope I am wrong and it wasn't just a mirage. However, I believe I am finally at a place where I can let go and survive on my own if that is what it has to be.
So who am I? What do I need? What do I love? What loves me back?

• I love reading magazine backwards.


• I like leaving my door open and sitting on my porch smoking cigars and drinking wine.


• I absolutely love mock trial and law.


• I love my best friends.


• I'm afraid I have too much baggage at 23.


• My favorite feeling is when the lights go down before a show.


• My favorite smell is that of a musty theatre.


• I get sad when I think that my little sister is getting too big to cuddle with anymore.


• I clean when I am upset.


• I easily can turn vicious and vindictive, but I always regret it.


• I refuse to believe in Thomas Hobbs's theories of people.


• I talk too much when I'm uncomfortable.


• I make alterations on everything I order.


• I am much better at taking care of other people than myself.


• I like to argue.


• I have lost the ability to cry.


• I spent 18 years as a protector, and 1 year feeling as though I have failed in that respect.


• I am afraid of what standing on my own two feet will bring.

I love reading, writing, being outside, being with friends, deep conversations, law, movies, wine, walking, and becoming a better version of myself. I need to find my way back to that girl again.

Real Love Means Roughing It

"Each moment of a happy lover's hour is worth an age of dull and common life." - Aphra Behn

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."- Antoine de Saint-Exupert

Romance without finance is no good.
- Willie The Lion' Smith

Love is the fulfilling of the law.
- Romans

To love her was a liberal education.
- Richard Steele

Love is the most complicated and simple emotion, yet strangely differently interpreted. One thing is clear. Love means compromising not with another, but with yourself. One of my friends fiercely agrues that you shouldn't change for another person. To some extent she is right, but it is also important to morph and change when a person challenges you. My friend Nevada firmly believes that changing is a natural part of life and when you are in love with someone you are more willing to try different things. She is proving this theory the hard way. She has agreed to go camping for four nights with a boy. In my opinion, this blows Shakespeare's feelings on true love to bits. True love means risking the elements, lyme disease, and not showering.

High Maintenance?

Are you low maintenance or high maintenance? Maybe even the worse kind...girls who think they are low maintenance, but are actually high maintenance.

Self-evaluation.

Low Maintenance

1) will often leave the house in only sweats and a ponytail
2) spontaneous
3) shops at Wal-Mart and Payless
4) I frequent trashy bars

High Maintenance

1) must alter anything I order at a restaurant
2) my handbags often cost more than the contents within
3) I expect boys to know when I'm upset and how to fix it without telling them
4) I prefer someone else to kill spiders for me

Now I have been attacked by half the men on the mock trial team for being too picky in restaurants. Even told that my orders drive them nuts because I cannot just order a number 3. Let's be honest here. Is there anything wrong with wanting what you want and asking for it. I think not. According to askmen.com I am not high maintenance. Well, maybe a little, but not a total drama queen. Now, you maybe asking why is she on askmen.com. Actually my brilliant friend Dr. A.P., a future psychologist, once told me that her boyfriend glances at her cosmo from time to time. Brilliant behavior on behalf of said boy. Besides learning tips to keep her happy, he also gets an idea of what she is learning. So why shouldn't I do the reverse and see what boys are learning in order to better position myself.

Apparently, men find somewhat high maintenance women attractive. It goes to their manly hormonal protector zone or something. So with this in mind I am going to keep ordering my ranch on the side.

Sweet Wood Work

The home show is this weekend. I do not own a home, but I love, wait, LOVE the home show. I like to walk around and pretend I could buy a hot tub. My two goals are as followed 1) buy praline pecan ice cream and 2) have my ring cleaned by the weird jewelry cleaning guy.

This year I am taking midget me with and exposing her to DECC ice cream for the first time. P.S. It is not organic.

More importantly, I have VP passes to the Home Show Reception Party. Free food, free booze, and the smell of veneer. Bring on the have been celebrities performing, mini donuts, and cabinentry. I'm getting hooked up.

A Worthy Cause

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29981699/?gt1=43001

WASHINGTON - The Special Olympics launched a campaign Tuesday to banish the word "retard," a casual insult that derives from an out-of-favor medical term and has long been considered inappropriate.
People signed pledges not to use the word and students gathered to denounce its use at rallies from Florida to Alaska. Over the long-term, organizers hope to change attitudes about people with mental disabilities, who number more than 190 million worldwide, according to the World Health Organization.
"It's insulting, it's painful and it hurts people," said actor Eddie Barbanell, who has Down syndrome and appeared in the movie "The Ringer." "Get that word out! End the word! Bury it!"


While "retard" itself was never a medical term, it derives from the phrase "mental retardation," which by around 1900 was commonly used by scientists and doctors, said Peter Berns, executive director of The Arc of the United States, a nonprofit advocate for those with intellectual and developmental disabilities.
Even though Berns said its pejorative connotation was established in the 1960s, the phrase "mental retardation" is still used in many state and federal laws, much to the dismay of those trying to stamp out its use.
"People with intellectual disabilities themselves really mounted a movement that they did not want to be referred to with the word 'retarded,'" he said.
As such, the American Association of Mental Retardation changed its name in 2007 to the American Association on Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities after its members pleaded for the organization to do so. In another sign that the formal use of the term "mentally retarded" had lost currency, The Associated Press replaced it in its stylebook in 2008 with "mentally disabled."

Governors sign on
Still, those seeking to end the term's use face a difficult battle.
"This word is deeply ingrained in our psyche. It comes up in a lot of different contexts," said Andrew Imparato, president and chief executive officer of the American Association of People With Disabilities. "We have to kind of call it out and start a conversation about why it's not OK to use the word."
Among the signatures collected Tuesday were several that belonged to governors: In California, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger — whose mother-in-law founded Special Olympics — signed a proclamation to stop using the word, as did Oklahoma Gov. Brad Henry. Iowa Gov. Chet Culver issued a certificate of recognition in support of the campaign.
But the manpower behind the "Spread the Word to End the Word" campaign comes from the students who devised the campaign last month during a Special Olympics youth summit in Idaho and organized rallies around the country.
In Florida, 16-year-old Noah Gray organized a rally for some 600 students at Miami Palmetto Senior High School that featured a rap performance and a speech by Barbanell about his experiences of being called a "retard."
"Like many other high school students and adults, I used to use the word 'retarded' all the time," said Gray, who was invited to speak at last month's youth summit. "Since coming down from the Special Olympics, I have not used that word once ... and I'm discouraging other people" from using it.
'The R-word'At Bowie High School in Maryland, 18-year-old Shannan Barksdale helped gather 861 pledges that will be sent to the Special Olympics organization. During the school's lunch periods, Barksdale yelled, "Say no to the R-word!" and urged students to sign pledges.
"The word should be eliminated from everyone's vocabulary," she said.
Special Olympics has enlisted actor John C. McGinley of the TV show "Scrubs" as a spokesman for the campaign. McGinley, whose 11-year-old son has Down syndrome, said many people don't realize the word is hateful.
"It is saturated in the vernacular, and this will take a while. And it's OK," he said Tuesday. "But it's important to get under way."

5 Steps to being a Goddess

I baked today. Bringing my inner baker out from deep within. So here I am with my boxed cake mix watching Legally Blonde. I can argue case law, yet I can't make a simple cake.

1. I open the cake mix and a nice portion of the powder goes flying.


2. I realize the recipe calls for 3 eggs and I only have 2. So I do what any normal 20 some year old girl would do and look up on wikihow what to substitute. Apparently, you can put in applesauce. I don't have applesauce. I put in half a thing of yogurt. Pomegranate yogurt. I have yet to taste.


3. I mix everything together and it is not gooey at all. It's like making bread. So I mush it together and throw it in the pan. Two minutes later I realize I forgot to add water. So I grab it out of the oven and scoop it back into the bowl to stir in water.


4. Thankfully, 34 minutes it comes out looking like cake.


5. Add chocolate frosting and sprinkles. I am now a domestic goddess.

Clear and Present Danger

Running in heels. Alright, I'll admit it most days I love being a girl. I like pink, fluffy pillows, handbags, and having the door held open for me. Yet, I agree that there are moments that I believe, nay, know that it is easier to be a guy.

Example - Love life. Even though women and do anything a man can do and in heels I may add. We are still expected to act like submissive 1950's poodle skirt girls when it comes to courting. We may throw out all the signs, but most men will admit that they want to be the one chasing. Which means that women are forced to be manipulative by men. Yet, then men claim that we are manipulative. A vicious cycle. If women put out too much they are dirty sluts, yet if they keep their legs closed they are prudes. Men only want women to sleep around if it is with them.

I have to pay the same bills, pay rent, work the same amount of hours, take the same classes, etc. Yet, realistically in ten years I am somehow expected to also do all the house cleaning, cooking, and child raising. Granted, if you want to pay me to stay at home, fine. The fact that men nowadays also expect their wife to work 40 hours a week and bring home a sizable paychecks makes me wonder...how did feminism backfire so that now we have to do more work?